I'm not certain why I've titled this post in that way, but it seems apropos. After 10+ days of cold, gray rain, too many health-related lab tests, an instance of PMS that would have made Lucretia Borgia seem friendly and compassionate by comparison, and various other Not So Fun things, I am finding myself depleted, both spiritually and creatively. Probably emotionally as well.
I find myself haunted by mental images of kittens hanging onto the knotted ends of ropes and the muffled theme from Jaws.
I know that this is all me. I have not recently allowed for any replenishment of self because there has been So Much To Do. Days that start at 5:30am and see me home from work at 6:30pm leave little in the way of leisure time. There are meals to be made and eaten, dishes to be washed, laundry to be done, studying to be done....
All too soon, it is time to take the night-time host of medications and go to sleep before 5:30am appears on the horizon again.
I often start the week with great intentions of attending synagogue on Friday evenings but, by the time Friday rolls around, Amazing GF and I are so exhausted from the week that driving an hour to synagogue on Friday night sounds more dreadful than refreshing. However, we have not been able to figure out how to celebrate Shabbat at home regularly either.
Needless to say, I have a new list of Things To Figure Out.
Number One on that list is how to let go of the impossible standards to which I hold myself. Perfection is impossible--I know that intellectually--and yet I cannot let my mistakes go. I'm not entirely certain why though I know it has been a life-long problem.
Anyway, I'm going to stop thinking about it for now because it is distracting me from Things I Should Be Doing, which is not productive at the moment.
I hope you are all well and happy.
Love to you all!
